Tuesday, 15 October 2013

How did it feel? Moments in time.

I have been asked many times how I felt when Ollie was diagnosed.  I'm trying to piece it together but can't quite seem to make it all fit so I thought I would present it in the same way that it is in my head.  Here is my stream of consciousness.  

I have a headache.  All the time.  I have realised it is because I am constantly clenching my teeth.  Even in my sleep.  

I can't stop crying.  It has become normal for me to have tears streaming down my face. I wake up at night and the tears are still there.  I don't think I can stop.  

All I think about is autism.  I can't get it out of my head.  In every moment of spare time I pour over the internet, reading reading reading about autism. 

My stomach churns every time we have an appointment.  I feel hollow in the pit of my stomach.  I have lost three kilos in a few weeks because I keep forgetting to eat.  

I read somewhere that I won't feel like this forever.  That it will get better.  I can't see how that is possible.  

There are so many treatment options.  We need to make the right decision but I feel completely overwhelmed by the information.  It must be right.  

It is so hard to tell people without completely falling apart.  

Every time I think about how this will effect Will I am a mess.  

I know things are getting better when I can talk about it without crying.  Maybe what I read was right.  Maybe I will be okay.  

And you know what? I am.  


  1. Oh Susie.... you are amazing and such a thoughtful, caring mum.

    1. Thanks Linda! Right back at you. xxx

    2. I'm with Linda - one in a million Suse! Ur gorgeous boys are lucky to have YOU.